If I Only Had Some Grain
(tune: If I Only Had a Brain)

I could while away the hours,
A-snoozin' in the flowers,
A-numbin' up the brain (do do do do do do do)
No deep thoughts I'd be thinkin',
Ignorance is bliss, keep drinkin',
If I only had some grain.

Oh, the snowball was a topper,
So very prim and proper,
In gowns and lengthy trains (do do do do do do do)
In our high heels we were slippin'
From the champagne we'd been sippin',
If we only had some grain.

Oh I can tell you why
A whisper is like a roar.
'Cause you bopped until the Taylor bell struck four.
And then you sat
And drank some more.

Yes, it's tea we have aplenty.
Our coffee cups are empty.
Pour the kool-aid down the drain (do do do do do do do)
Diet coke is a bracer,
If you take it as a chaser,
If we only had some grain.

Oh, I can tell you how
The ceiling looks from the floor.
It's a point of view I'll contemplate some more.
Getting up
Is such a chore.

I have a cold compress handy,
And aspirin is dandy,
For every ache and pain (do do do do do do do)
But my sleep is such a muddle
In an alcoholic puddle,
Oh, I really had some grain!