If I Only Had a Four
(tune: If I Only Had a Brain)

I could be a Rhodes scholar
Not to have a blue collar,
If I could make the score (do do do do do do do)
For my head I'd get insurance
To protect from chance occurrence,
If I only had a four.

They'd be begging for my lectures
At Harvard and at Rutgers,
At schools from shore to shore (do do do do do do do)
With my head so full of promise,
I could be a Carey Thomas,
If I only had a four.

Oh, I could write the news
That you read in the New York Times.
I could dash a poem off in perfect rhyme.
Critics would read between the lines…

Oh, I would not be a dummy,
With kids to call me "mummy,"
No, I'd be something more (do do do do do do do)
I don't want a three point seven,
Oh, I'd really be in heaven,
If I only had a four!