...sometimes, it takes running into brick walls at 120Kph to realise the necessities...

01.04.00   lessons
lesson one: some people fall into love n times more quickly than they fall out of it.
the realisation of such does not change much in one's life, heart, mind;
but gives a semi-reasonable vantage point from which to recharge one's dignity.
move on, wayward soul.

lesson two: moulding the psyche simply so you can 'be yourself' in the end
is n times more difficult than originally anticipated.
some days it's difficult to stop worrying to impress.

01.05.00   more lessons
lesson three: don't hold that cute little toad too tightly;
he'll pee in your hand and hop away a free amphibian.

lesson four: people tell you not too do all kinds of things when you're a kid:
looking at the sun will burn black spots in your eyes, may make you blind; don't do it
fire will scorch you, maybe kill you; don't play with it
drugs will turn you to turnip, maybe kill you; don't use them
sex may burn black spots in your heart, scorch you, kill you,
and very well also turn you into a vegetable too; don't partake.
    they were right, but there are things you just have to find out for yourself.
    life isn't much without black spots, a little scorching and a few hours of oblivious vegetableness.

01.08.00    not much insight today
my little brother turned 21 thursday.
that's a little creepy to me...
he was just about to attempt to pass the 'three rum barrel limit' when i left his party (fri night).
happy birthday cosmo; you're loved (and even liked, after twenty years of bloody fighting)

this is the only photo you're going to get for now
until i get something more recent scanned (this was thanksgiving `99 at least).
(yes, sorry, it IS a cross between a faerie in a cloak, a pool table and tequila in barlime)
{and it's not as interesting as it sounds... at all}

01.10.00    sporadic
spring in january messes with my mind, sending it reeling into wanderlust.
mothers do not need wanderlust...
unless, of course, they can secure a new van...

01.12.00    damnable
je devrais avoir minored en franšais au lieu du japonais.
grrrrrrrrrrrrr dislike particles... SMASH particles!
'nihongo' est TRES MAL!
japanese sounds beautiful. after twelve years of working on it.
french makes people cream their pants in one semester.
damn grammatical order! damn particles! </rant>

01.15.00    questionable raving prose
scrounging my mind capitulating cairo and my disintegrating fašade of calm when the realisation occurs that wonder lies in the inability of my mind to meander any longer through fields of phantasm he is a part of this a big chunk of my self-disappointment and every day that i creep to the creative gate in my mind it's asleep and rusted and vined still strong with wrought iron there's no way to enter and he unwittingly holds the key, tumblers pins, the knowledge of how to even pick my way in has escaped me in a tyrannical fit of double-check the data being processed flat detangled code instead of mindlessly woven gorgeous word tapestry he, won't even let me in, doesn't know what he holds over my head and all the melodrama of lying in bed while soaking my pillow in saltwater wasn't so dumb as i thought it was just a release valve on the complicated issue of one girl losing her art so she doesn't have to lose her boy and you wonder not which one is better lost but how to gain them both to hold in some kind of duality there, wouldn't that complete life exquisitely? (12.18.99)

01.18.00    puppies?
some very sweet and kind lucieners informed me that one of my munchkins is all kinds of good things.
not that i need to become any MORE biased...
thank you, guys. all of you get great big hugs.

there are two irrelevant pics from the mfp show...
jade and i meandering
jno and i pondering the plastic entryway (kids LOVED it.. big ones AND small ones)

01.25.00    the wisdom of others
an old good friend of mine was conversing one night, and came to recognise
for himself the possibilities of the ancient idea:
perhaps after this life, you spend your days repeating the moments in time you hold dear,
and he gave me an example of a night spent gazing into the eyes of a now faraway once-lover.
perhaps that occurs... is how i responded to him, understanding the concept,
though not really empathising with how he had internalised it.
recently, an experience occurred in my life that allowed me to say, ah! i see!
it was not the moment of a lover, in my case, but of a friend, and of knowing peace...
the peace that finds itself profound within a life of disheveled struggle.
so, i thank my old friend for giving me insight into capturing moments in time,
and i thank my new friend for giving me peace and a moment to capture.

01.26.00    sweet melancholy
things that i miss:

02.22.00    blatant prattle
njstar.com has the best japanese wp ever.
somehow i managed to smoke an entire pack of cigarettes in 24 hours.
only so much new moby can be listened to before one's head explodes...
in pure, unadulterated bliss.
my ex got remarried. gratz to stephen and terrie.
i wish you both a long, prosperous and interesting life together.
the wedding was good fun. thanks to them for the invitation.

*!wedding pics!*
more dancing!
baby dancing!
happy couple (not dancing :)
happy couple (dancing!) (hey, they WORKED on this, folks)

10.10.00    an end draws near and recedes

-- oooogg vinegar --