11.22.02   inordinate fear
i'm supposed to be writing a seven page paper on shakespeare right now, but i've accidentally dosed my mind with the twilight zone. oh, it's of course nothing more than an unreasonable facsimile of the older version (everything's creepier in black and white) of itself, but it's still disturbing sometimes. the particular episode (oh, and lest you chastise me for watching television instead of writing, this was a rare TV break last night) which plagues me is one involving a disruptive teenager, a desire for what is perceived as normalcy, and a fertilizer plant. i can't go into it.. it would take too much time that i don't have right now.. but i desperately NEED to relieve myself of some of this sense of unethical injustice. families do NOT contract their children's lives away (two strikes, three fouls, one out-of-hand freak owner) just for a bit of peace. people who can't live with the probability factor of having a free-spirited, independent child who would rather explore than acquiesce shouldn't be allowed to breed in the first place. just.. too fucking creepy. stories reflect, yes, all too often, the society that writes them. fiction or not.
(unimportant points of major discomfort:
12.03.02 10:32   the university dilemma
so i have a lot of papers which need to be written still. three were due the week before thanksgiving, or thereabouts. one is due on thursday. i have about two pages of each done. i know a lot of this had originally to do with the mass incoming criticism on my previous work, and my inability to deal with said criticism. the six pages of everything else going on in my life do not need to be spoken here; you all have a decent idea. this morning though, i woke up, sat in the sunshine on the couch and was overwhelmed with a clear mind and a few peaceful realisations. academia is not necessarily Living. there are seven hundred ways i'd rather live my life. sticking to the compact timeframe of university beaurocracy is not compatible with my sense of necessity and accomplishment. this peace is the release valve installed in me to retain my sanity, my love of learning, and my awe of the world. it simply isn't something i believe is worth disarming. it is my hope that these thoughts can be shared with the professors and instructors i owe work to. if they are unaccepting, there is nothing that can force them. sometimes taking a fall for a little inner peace is worth it.
01.03.03   bizarre list for the new year
03.03.03   the undoing
for so long these words and thoughts have been flung outward to the world in the hopes of causing interest, attentiveness, response. no more.
i have come to realise that those i admire and respect most are those who are quiet, who do not broadcast their innermost selves to the world at large, who whisper only to the wind and maintain reserve. and i am tired. tired of the effort of the game of attempting to entrance the world with my own greatness. tired of the game of histrionic narcissism which impedes my life. tired of feeling as though i must speak to prove my worth, when that time could be better spent on true improvement. i am tired of saying everything is worth living for, when in honesty, there are only words, and zero proof.
time to work for proof, rather than coaxing beautiful words with no foundation.
06.22.03   when words fail
she was one of those women for whom consuming things like bananas and lollipops should have been publically illegal... or at least a civically mandated art form.
i am giving up boys for lent.
i am also giving up boys for thanksgiving
and the new year
and my birthday
and their birthdays
and the chinese new year, fer chrissakes
and every other goddamned painstaking day of this wretched life.
you may find me here on occasion...
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