11.11.03   inordinate courage
life is more difficult than it has ever been. i stand with the wind in my hair, and the moon flows down. weakness wanes, slowly. strength founds. i may always be alone. find strength in this ache, warmth in my arms, promise in ideas. acceptance.

11.14.03   centered
this day, i discovered within myself some peace.
profoundly inexplicable, yet i am grateful for its moment.

11.18.03   bitch/moan
you know, i moved down here for the SEVERE WEATHER.
apparently, my vague meterological research was defective.
i shake my fist! i sigh a deeply, patiently frustrated sigh at you, fiendish town!
sometime after moving to c-u, about a year into my stay here, i brought up the obnoxious pattern of storms separating directly west of the area, only to regroup on the east side to a professor who'd become pretty much a c-u townie. sure, we get rain, and a ton of fog in the vernal and autumnal seasons, but where the hell are my thunderous, soul-shaking voice-of-god storms that roll through me like little else can? oh, says this professor, we're kind of in a low area, didn't you know? most storms actually _go around_ the city proper.

i was too upset to move. i'm certain i just sat there looking pathetically crushed over the top of my glasses at the bearer of such sad tidings. some overtly-optimistic spirit of hope had me wondering, for a YEAR, if it were just a coincidental string of bad luck that rollicking storms never seemed to roll through chambana.

well, it's been two and a half years of this crap, so i'm trying a new locale. southeastabouts. indiana. further from tornado alley, i think, but hopefully not in a damned sinkhole this time. i want to see some meteorological violence in my cumulonimbi! lightning, thunder, wind, power!
i'd hate to have to move to oklahoma after all this trouble.
--------------------
(later.. 9am or so)
"i can't believe i ate the whole thing."
i read it all,
consumed it all,
took it all in with the intent of fostering understanding.
hoohah. boy was i wrong.
purge. purge. purge. (how roman.)
going to take a little time to wander through the rain out to Japan house now.
no class today, but i've been given leave to come work off some of my procrastination there.
hopefully, the environment will be amicable to working off a bit of zen-less brain sprawl in the process.
i'll stop thinking so much when (if) he ever means less to me.
i'll make this mean less.
eat or be eaten, so it seems.
a woman-child with the mark of eve.
just because i've outgrown indecision doesn't mean the rest of them have.
Unknown the unlit world of old.
You're the sounds I never heard before.
Off the map where the wild things grow.
Another world outside my door.
Here I stand I'm all alone.
Drive me down the pitch black road.
Lilah you're my only home
and I can't make it on my own.

11.18.03   squeezing my spiderman pillow to death
post-it from the corolla:
i know i said promises cause anxiety
but upon further reflection i still
wish i could promise to send you off
to work with a stainless steel mug of
damned good coffee every morning.

12.02.03   good technology
finally, the internet uses its powers for good, not evil!
i haven't quit smoking, but if i had, right now, this is what accomplishments may have been made. maybe it'll be a good guide to actually knocking off the cancer sticks. since, you know, inevitable death wasn't good enough. (amuse me! i'm immortal!) right.

QuitMeter Counter courtesy of www.quitmeter.com.

12.02.03   saving the past from technological entropy
some random weekly paper from a UIUC english class
a review of an edna st. vincent millay bio on amazon

09.30.04   the value of an image is completely subjective
the most recent photo available...